Cattails, Rabbit Trails, and Thistlefish: Defaulting to "Nothing"

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Defaulting to "Nothing"

Hello, 2018! And a big "long time no-see" to you readers.

I used to roll my eyes when blogger friends of mine would become mothers and promise "just wait until he's sleeping through the night and I'll get back into a routine!" or, "man, I didn't realize how little time I would have with a newborn!"
But, dang. Here I am. In their shoes. #humbled
Writing (doing a lot of things outside of mothering actually) has begun to come at a much greater cost than before. It's not just about putting off homework or a load of laundry to do what I love, it's deciding to spend those few precious nap times on work rather than play (or sleep), or missing out on even more precious time with the cutest human on the planet.

Going into motherhood, I had fears.
#noduh. Everyone probably feels some very real and very specific fears when they see that first pregnancy sign, even if those fears are buried under some excitement at first.

But one of my biggest fears was that I wouldn't balance things. That I would either become the type of mother who is so invested in her children that she never showers or leaves the house or ever does anything she's passionate about... OR that I would become the type that was distracted by her own ambitions and passions and she would end up missing out on her kids.
And honestly, that fear has locked me up a little bit. Because at the end of the day, I think I'd rather be "just a mom" than miss out on this sweet boy's life.

Because of that, I've been too too cautious about taking on too much. I didn't want to get overwhelmed. I had already deemed myself "easily stressed," and I didn't want to push it.

Thankfully, the Lord never lets me be dumb for long.
Enter a great part time job I can work from home, a new semester of online classes, and a burning desire inside of me to keep writing that just won't let me sleep tonight.

I'm "all or nothing." "Black or white." And blogging is no exception. I knew I couldn't be "all" so I let myself be "nothing." I didn't want to be in and out, inconsistent, less than I could be. And when fear is a factor I always default to the "nothing."

But let's be real. That's life. And I can't sit on my hands just because I'm afraid I'm going to fail or disappoint myself, or cause some other single gal to roll her eyes at my new-mom thoughts. Because who knows that one of the biggest lies the enemy can get you to believe is that you should be quiet because you have nothing to say??? (Can I get an amen???)

So, here I am. I'm not making claims or promises, but I'm making time for this. Because showing up and being imperfect is better than letting fear keep me from showing up. I'm still sleeping less than I'd like. And every time I feel like I have a routine there's a growth spurt or a teething spurt or a job transition... So instead of me waiting until the stars align, let's get back to just doing life together.

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